i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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