My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
