For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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