Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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