It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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