my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
