i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
