i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Randomize
