when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
