Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
