So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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