i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
