better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
