Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
