I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize