allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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