Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize