I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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