our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize