I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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