hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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