i think my tv is drunk
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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