my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
