YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
