i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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