At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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