non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
