so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i dont even know how to be here
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
