I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
