I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
