12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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