420 ftw
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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