I'm so fucking centered right now
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
