You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize