I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
