turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
