Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
