i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
