not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
