Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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