I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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