Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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