He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
