So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
