He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
