Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
