God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
