Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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