You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
