I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
