Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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