you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Congratulations! We have a period
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