Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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