I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
