I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
