mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
